What Two Hours with a Tantra Coach Taught Me
I recently got out of a four year relationship that was unfulfilling in the bedroom. We were great partners in many aspects but, especially towards the end, sex was...tedious. Our energies were closed off, our communication was sub par, and fear of judgment or a fight prevented me from playing and exploring on the level I truly desired. Shortly after the breakup, I had my birth chart read and my astrologer suggested developing a Kundalini and/or Tantrik practice to quench my thirst for sexual exploration in a space that would also foster empowerment and self love. I felt drawn to explore Tantra, so I found a coach online and gave her a call. One week later, I found myself sprawled on her living room floor getting my hair pulled and my ass slapped.
I met my coach at her apartment, which has almost no furniture in it, sans a few mats and pillows on the living room floor. We warmed up by moving around on the ground, stretching, bending, touching our bodies, releasing an occasional ahh when it felt right, which for me wasn’t incredibly often. I was a little uncomfortable. I tried to stay present by keeping my eyes closed, but I couldn’t help opening them every so often to make sure I wasn’t bumping into her or tripping on a cushion.
Then we sat down and I told her my intentions, about my recent break up, and how I had a history of negativity surrounding my own sexuality. I asked some questions and she gave very honest, brazen responses. I loved it.
We talked about things I’ve never talked with anyone about, taboo subjects like sex during your menstrual cycle, anal play and anatomy, and Amrita which means “divine nectar,” (which really means female ejaculate.) She told me that some men prefer period sex and she also told me that sexy, bloody bedroom photoshoots are a thing. For some, this probably sounds appauling, for others, it’s nbd. For me, coming out of a very narrow sexual relationship, this information was wild and foreign, but also inspiring.
We also talked about the power of listening to the Yoni. Yoni is Sanskrit for vulva and “divine procreative energy.” She instructed me to place my hands on my vulva, close my eyes, and connect with my Yoni. She said the Yoni is extremely wise and that I should: 1) consult with her when making big decisions and 2) spend at least five minutes every day with my hands on my Yoni, meditating and listening.
Next we did an exercise called “The Bossy Massage,” which required that I ask explicitly for any type of touch I wanted to receive and then sit silently to absorb the sensation of said touch experience. She does this exercise often with female clients because, as women, we tend to be overly concerned with what our partner wants, thinks, and sees. We often put our own needs and desires on the back burner and retreat into our heads during sexual experiences.
When I asked her to massage my stomach she made me demonstrate on myself and asked how much pressure I wanted her to use. She took my direction and massaged me for a minute or so, and then stopped, waited 30 seconds, and asked, “What next?” I told her squeeze my shoulders, massage my thighs, caress my face. I got so comfortable with her that I asked her to pull my hair. I explained exactly how hard to tug on it, and when she did it just right I confirmed, “Mmhm, just like that.”
If you’re anything like me, you’re nearly mute in the bedroom. Using my voice to express pleasure (sexual or otherwise) has always felt awkward. The level of communication, presence and vulnerability I reached in this moment was uncharted territory, and it was quite powerful. I got even friskier and asked her to slap my ass. It honestly felt amazing. After a good few spankings, I sat in silence, absorbing the sensation.
I was buzzing with energy. The mental stimulation and excitement from our conversation, the physical sensations I had just experienced all over my body, and the empowerment from asking confidently for what I desired all had me in an elevated state. By then we had hit the two hour mark so I thanked her and I left, a little lighter and a little brighter than I had arrived.
I have not gone back for a second session and I don’t see myself going back anytime soon. While the experience was totally worth what I paid, a regular practice with a Tantra coach isn’t very accessible financially speaking. Plus, I personally am not working through any major trauma. That said, if you are working through something and seeing a Tantra coach resonates with you, I recommend trying it out. My coach said she typically will work with people for a five or ten session run, to overcome something specific. And of course, the more sessions you book, the better the value is. Some coaches even work on a sliding scale. If you want to dip your toe in but a private session is not calling to you, I’ve been flipping through Osho’s The Book of Secrets and have been watching Tantrik Micro Meditation Practices on Gaia.com and have found both extremely useful and practical.
1) Contrary to popular belief, Tantra is not just a sexual practice. The act of lovemaking and the organs involved are extremely powerful and connected to Spirit, so it makes sense that people can have spiritual awakenings through sexual practice. Any practice that taps into our energy system as humans will have a powerful effect. With that, Tantra is a very comprehensive and extremely old practice that teaches many techniques on how to achieve spiritual growth. It only involves the bedroom/ public restroom/ backseat of the car/ etc. some of the time!
2) The Bossy Massage has two simple and beautiful lessons to teach. It allows us to practice asking for what we want, with the positive reinforcement of receiving exactly that. The silent part of the exercise requires us to be present in the experience rather than quickly moving on to the next thing. Like savasana at the end of an asana yoga practice, The Bossy Massage is a microcosm of everyday life experience that can be applied to many aspects of our daily grind. Modern life tends to value the masculine energy of action, doing, exerting, and there typically isn’t much time left in a day to consciously sit with the effects of all that activity. The feminine side of this dichotomy is simply being with the internal sensations that arise from any given experience. When action and rest exist together, we can integrate our experiences more deeply. Epic #lifehack.
3) There is no normal, so why judge? I consider myself an open-minded and rather liberal human, but some of the things my Tantra coach said practically had me blushing. Although it may not be a natural inclination for some of us to tell our partner straight up, “I want you to lick my pussy,” there’s a really high probability that if we ask honestly and confidently, it will end well. Very well. I’ve noticed since my private Tantra session that my energy surrounding sex as a topic of conversation and as an experience has shifted. Period sex has in fact come up in conversation since then and my response to my girlfriend who got eaten out with a tampon in was, “hell yeah!” and a high five. I also have connected more with some friends in my social circle who are very sexually open and who do a lot of incredible exploratory group work surrounding sensual experience. They are building a sex culture that is explicit and inclusive and worthy of its own post, but the point is that I would have viewed them very differently six months ago, because I would have been projecting my own fears and insecurities onto them. So that’s cool.
4) Lastly, my Tantrik session served as a reminder that authenticity is sexy as hell. It also reminded me that removing judgment, especially of myself, is the first necessary step to authenticity. If I decide at some point I want bloody menstrual sex then dammit, I will ask for it! And if he’s not down, whatever. The Universe provides.
– Heather Delleney
Image by Jean André