A Mantra for Coming To Life

For the past few months, I've been in a raging battle with my hormones. I'd been on the lookout for the signs since I got a hormonal IUD inserted six months ago -- or so I thought. But, as anyone with experience having depression or debilitating anxiety will tell you, that shit kinda just creeps up on you. Like darkness, these symptoms engulfs you while you're busy carrying on with your day until it's so dim you can no longer see. And then you panic, trying to find every last bit of light so you can carry on doing the things you love and being with people you care about. You search for light so that you don't have to go home and finally admit the bright, sunshiny day is over.

And that's the place I was in: running around every one of darkness' corners in search of a glimmer of light that was always just out of view. I did this for months until I finally became so dizzy and disconnected that I began neglecting everything I loved and inadvertently hurting the people closest to me.

I was so afraid of the dark that I forgot they were all right there, even if I couldn't see them. I forgot that – even if the dark prevented me from seeing myself fully 100% of the time – I, too, was still there. I forgot that I used to like staying up late laughing at shitty movies until 3am and working into the wee hours on a project I loved. I forgot that I didn't need darkness' promises of light around every corner because I am the light that I seek.

I realized suddenly that my energy had been dominating every space I entered and every encounter I had – with myself and others. And for too long, my energy had been bogged down by negativity and fear around this mysterious sadness that hovered around me like dusk threatening to take away my day.

So I made a choice: to arm myself with positivity and let that radiance form a shield against impending darkness. I decided to start really watching how my life changed when I brought every ounce of joy I could muster into my interactions, my work, and into myself. My mantra became: "My energy dominates."

And it's no surprise to report that it changed everything.

This perspective – and a diagnosis of PMDD – changed EVERYTHING. I was able to see that, yes times had gotten tough, but it was not forever. I was able to identify that my intense moods were just that and that they, too, would pass. I could see clearly that every single situation I'd ever been in was determined by my energetic response and that meant I could change them all for the better. In short, I was able to take radical responsibility for the ways in which I was contributing to my own darkness and, in accepting that, my light was able to burn even brighter.

Because, you see, the more we realize that we are the shining stars of our own lives, the more empowered we become to carry on in spite of the darkness. The more we realize just how much our energy affects the energies around us, the more responsible we feel to be the positive, radiant, light-filled beings we were put here to be. Nobody wants to be responsible for bringing the vibe down, am I right?

This perspective has radically metamorphed my life and, subsequently, everyone's life I've touched. It may sound lofty, but I truly believe that my well-being makes an imprint on my communities' well-being, local and global.

And on a personal level? I'm happy to report that I'm no longer afraid of the dark. Instead, I notice how beautiful the day looks as it turns to dusk and, as night rolls in, I am excited for an opportunity to shine.

xo, Lenea

Image by Yumna Al-Arashi